Considering that I'm fucking Kevin on a daily basis, he bought me sapphires, and his car has absolutely no Taco Bell wrappers on the floor, I think it's time to kick RJ to the curb.

But why just dump someone when you can rip off their dick and use it as a puppet at the You Suck Playhouse? RJ's deal on my birthday deserves the biggest Fuck You I can create. I mean, this isn't like when I dumped Howie for Jamie back in eighth grade - Howie wasn't bad, he just wasn't a popular high schooler. But RJ? RJ's been jerking me around, and now it's time to pop his balls like bubblewrap.

But how. I need to marinate on this for a few days.

It is my birthday on Wednesday, and I swear to motherfucking GOD, if RJ doesn't rent me a horse drawn carriage or buys me something with a gemstone or takes me to the city to a restaurant that has Michelin stars, I swear to GOD, I will hunt down that SDS boy that I fucked at Prom and sit in RJ's driveway and let SDS Boy motorboat my bare tits while RJ watches. I gave him a threeway with me and Mallory Pike, he better come through, damn it!

And that gemstone better not be an opal! That's the gemstone for the dickless. We're talking emerald, rubies, and sapphires, at a minimum. I see a fucking aquamarine, I'll rip off his dick.

FUCK YOU CORINNE BAKER, FUCK YOU GROUP, FUCK YOU EVERYBODY. You can't freeze me out! RJ's a GROUP member, you fucking cuntknockers, there's no way you can hold the line on acting like I'm some social disease! And when you buckle, I will make you all so sorry. Fuck, I thought that Sheila bombing out of the Group meant that I could get in a bit, but noooo.

Assholes. All of them can bite it with mayo, I WILL make them pay for this.

Fuck. RJ wants to hook up. That goddamn car of his...

So RJ's hot for my snatch again; like, duh, I knew he would be. This time around, he better get with the program, or this was just a Florida fun fuck. No more plastic flowers, no more "dates" that equaled a Jack Black movie and sex in his car with burger wrappers on the floor, no more not taking me to Group parties just because Sabrina or Sheila said no. If he wants me, he better earn me this time, and if that means I'm taking the fucking money out of his wallet to get his car cleaned or whatever, then fine. I know that Erica has a crush or whatever on Howie (been there, too bored to do that. Actually, looking back, stealing him from Stacey was my very first burn, wasn't it? Ah, nostalgia...), but I'm looking up. I deserve the best in life, don't I? It's why I dumped ol' limp dick Long.

I just need RJ to wise the hell up and get on board.

So Erica talked me into not quitting this bullshit musical, but I swear to fucking God:

If I have to kiss him? I'm DUNZO. I'll set fire to the whole school, I'll kill everybody. No. NO.

Am I being punished? For being too beautiful? I fucking despise everyone, they all have personality herpes.

Is it Christmas?! First, someone does what I could only dream of and punches Andi in the face. And now Abby has a damn social disease? Ha! If that means that Mary Anne gets either the shit kicked out of her OR crabs, 2009 is made!

And I'm even sitting for Jenny Prezziwhatthefuck this weekend and looking forward to molding her in my image. Everybody needs a mini-me, n'est ce-pas? And I have a date on Friday night with Todd Long...

Everything is coming up Dee lately! Now, if only Erica would break out of her mopey funk...

That fucking bitch Sabrina had her goddamn fucking BOUNCER toss me out of her party. In front of everyone. Everyone knows, everyone saw...

I've never felt so low before. Ever. Ever ever.

Fucking bitch...fuck them all. Give me time, and I'll rise back up like a phoenix, and those motherfuckers are on fire: I'm gonna burn all of them to goddamn ash.

Remind me? To never, ever do the school play again. All of these people are incompetent fucktwats. Gordon Brown, really? He's too busy masturbating at Amelia Freeman's grave to exist. Price? I get a contact high just standing ten feet from him.

If this play sucks and people think that I suck because of them? I'll kill them all. Really. I know where the shotgun is. All of them: DEAD.

WHO THE HELL PUT THOSE PHOTOCOPIES OF MY BLACK BOOK IN MY LOCKER?!

You know, I let things calm down: after flashing a clean bill of health from Planned Parenthood, things had gotten back to normal, but this? This is war.

Somebody who can forge handwriting. Somebody who can break into things. Somebody thinks pranks are f--

Pranks. Prank king.

Oh. Oh.

CARY RETLIN, I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR DICK BECAUSE I AM GOING TO RIP IT OFF, PUT IT IN A BUN, COVER IT IN RELISH, CALL IT A MINI-WIENER, AND SERVE IT TO KING FOR LUNCH.

I made it like, what, two months before cheating on RJ? I should get a medal for that. Jamie and I have been hooking up pretty much every day since screwing in his car at the dance (which RJ doesn't know about either, especially since we screwed in his car at the dance, too. That has to be a record for me, right? Two guys, two cars, one night?) I think it's time to end it with RJ, once and for all. I'm just not in the mood anymore.

That, and Jamie said that he'd so take me to his dad's wedding next month in New York. The reception's at Butter. I mean, duh! Hello, of course I'm there! Well. He said only if I'll have a threeway with him. Again: um, duh, of course I will. I just need to find a girl...

...maybe it's time to call Mallory. She's been in social exile; this is her chance to get back into the game, n'ect ce-pas?

I will find whomever stole my black book and made that note and rip off their scrotum or funbags and make them into Bitchass Body Part Burrito and feed it to the dog that sniffs at the dumpster at Thelma's. I just need to find out who can forge handwriting, and then it all comes together from there.

But honestly, I am almost as mad at RJ. If this happened to Pete's little New York skank girlfriend? He'd be burning the school down in anger. If this happened to that cunt Rachel, Jeremy'd be going postal, mark my words. And God fucking forbid that this happened to that fucking Mary Anne: I think Logan'd bring a gun to school until he found who did it. RJ SUCKED. All RJ seemed to care about was whether I was actually clean or not! What an asshole!

You know, I have compromised a lot for RJ. We've dated longer than any other guy without me cheating, and he hasn't been a great boyfriend at all: I mean, I'm practically being Mother Fucking Teresa with him, and for what! No flowers. No romance! He barely remembers to open doors when I'm walking right behind him! Shouldn't he be worshipping me? I am incredibly hot...and I give him so many blow jobs, I think I'm getting TMJ!

I'm just about at the end of my rope with him. His popularity is not worth my pride, right?

Well. It's worth a Homecoming date. After that, bets are off.

Hmm. I dated Howie, too. Forget the fact that he's a zero anymore...that's another person I'm connected to with the disaster! I need to tell Grace, her dad should so do another interview with me. OMG I can so talk about that necklace Howie bought me, and I COULD WEAR IT ON TV. Yes! Perfect! Holy shit, this is the best thing that ever happened to me, isn't it! Big Brother, here I come!!

Like it would be some huge fucking tragedy if some of the dipshits on that boat didn't come back. Like anyone would really notice if Dawn or Alexander were wiped out, really. I'd be bummed if a few of them didn't come back, but I'd be perfectly okay to sacrifice someone moderately cool like Claudia if it meant Mary Anne Fucking Spier finally did us all a favor and took her saint act up to where it belongs, in the afterlife. Have fun in Kitty Heaven or whatever.

School is going to be so obnoxious with all of the drama. Maybe I can skip, say I'm distraught? I mean, Mallory IS my friend, isn't she? Right?

Where the HELL is my black book! I need to update it with RJ stuff, and with Mallory's exploits. Shit! Do you know how much work that thing was to make?!?

THAT BITCH ABBY STEVENSON BROKE MY NOSE.

I swear to fucking GOD I am going to kill her. I am going to strangle her with the laces from her smelly nasty cleats! I AM GOING TO KILL HER AND ENJOY IT! THEN I AM GOING TO KILL MARY ANNE AND HER IDIOT VIRGIN BOYFRIEND AND

Ow. It hurts to threaten. Where's my Vicodin.

It's my birthday on Tuesday, and I'm not having a party or anything. I don't want to see how many lame wad C, D, and Q-listers come, thinking that we're friends. That, and Alaina gets home from her backpacking through Europe shit on Monday, so Mom and Dad don't want to "overextend" her with some big to-do at the house. Fine. Not like it's my *sweet sixteen* or anything.

I think this means they're buying me a sweet car, though. Nice!

We're spending the weekend here at the Hamptons, which is perfect, a little relaxing here at the beach. I wish we had a house for more than one weekend each month, but my parents really get itchy over too much luxury time. They really need to get their priorities in order.

Like me: I got to play some games on Laine the other day. Now that was a little birthday gift to me. Everyone is so lame in this town! This is why I don't want a party: I am so sick and tired of playing nicey nice with a population of idiots and small town yokels. I'll be sixteen, soon I'll be eighteen, and I can finally get on with getting a fucking life.

Yes, okay, so everybody already knew that Mary Anne was Miss Anorexia 2008, but nobody was saying it! But it turns out that nobody was saying it because everybody fucking loves her. It's such horseshit! I am so tired of the fucking rejects in the BSC becoming the Queens of Everything! Back in eighth, Mary Anne lands the hot new kid just by breathing, and Stacey falls in with the basketball crowd in two seconds, dating the hot athlete. Me? I hustled my ass off, dating high schoolers, throwing parties. By the end of the year, I was more popular than them, damn it, but now it's all fucked up again!

Now Mary Anne's back with the hot athlete, and she's part of Sabrina's crowd. Now Stacey's dating the hot new kid. How did this happen! And Mary Anne is suddenly untouchable? Well.

Well.

Fuck this shit. I'm not going down, hell no, not without bringing someone else with me,

I hate Sheila so much, I want to scream. SCREAM! What a bitch.

Looks like my great "Redemption Through Logan" plan is on hold, since he and Princess Perfect are still together. Katie Shea's gossip is always a little shaky. Damn it. Jamie already invited me to Prom, but we're not "together" together, so I need to figure out who in the world is good enough to keep my world warm for a while. Pierre won't return my texts, that French fucker, Howie and Rick both put the freeze on me. Maybe Pete. He has a "girlfriend," but his artistic soul understands mine! That's greater than monogamy! One day he'll get it.

Or at least want a BJ. Dee's got that down cold.

So what if Erica wants Pete like Ethel wants cake. Friends share, n'est-ce pas?

It was back in eighth grade. I cheated on Logan on the last day of eighth grade. Thanks to him and his wounded puppy soul, I haven't sniffed uber-popular since! I mean, I get to go to the popular kid parties, but everybody can go to those parties, even rejects like Jason and Emily Bernstein (whose tragic fall from middle school to now is just Shakespearean) as long as you hear about it and have the nerve to show. So I cheated on him, so what! Okay, after cheating on Howie and then Lew and then Todd and then Logan, and I kind of did it in front of everyone who matters in the eighth grade, but so what! I'm super pretty and nobody in this grade is a better actress, it's not fair! I go to parties, and nobody cares except for people like me, like Trevor and Rick and Cokie and Grace and all of the other mediocre popular, who aren't popular, we're just the people in the middle. It's so unfair! Mary Anne fucking mousey Spier is hanging out with Susan and Amanda, how the hell am I not?!! Everybody hates me, they all suck.

What do Sheila and Darcy and Hannah and Sabrina have that I don't have? Sux.